Clinging to hope in the seasons of suffering and watching God use ALL of it for good.

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

This Isn't How It Was Supposed To Be

The Golden Falcons- 1987
Late last month, I heard the news that a former classmate had died.  She was 38.  I haven’t seen her since our days playing high school soccer but my memories of her go all the way back to the 1st or 2nd grade.  I guess I felt a connection to her again after so long when I learned she also gave birth to her first child one month after me and after a string of losses due to infertility.  Both of our boys coincidentally share the same name and similarly, she was rushed to the ER one week after delivery.  But instead of pregnancy and delivery related complications like me, she was diagnosed with brain cancer and given 18 months to live.  I often saw updates on how she was doing and vividly remember the first night I started to pray for her while I was recovering myself.  I prayed she would get the same news I got: "You've been through hell but it looks like you're going to make it."  The news seemed to get worse for her.  She endured repeated surgeries and rounds of research drugs that may or may not have been working.  She fought hard for the chance to see her miracle baby learn and grow and while she got the chance to hear the sweet sound of laughter from her one and only son, the doctors had been right.  Brain cancer stole the hopes and dreams of a new mother and left a gaping hole in a young family.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Meeting Doctor Mills

With my Pulmonary Embolism Survival Anniversary and the New York City Walk to Stop The Clot coming up in less than two weeks, it is high time I posted about some other #stoptheclot related news from earlier in the year.  I had every intention of writing about this months ago, but you know... life with toddlers.  :)

If you have been following my story at all, you know the Emergency Room Doctor was crucial in the discovery and diagnosis of my bilateral pulmonary emboli when I was 24 weeks pregnant.  I shudder to think about what life would be like for my husband right now if we weren't fortunate enough to have a doctor who recognized the symptoms of blood clots. 

Thursday, April 27, 2017

When God Says No: Finding Purpose in the Trenches of Infertility

It was a warm, spring evening at my nephew's end of the year school concert. We stood outside eagerly awaiting the kids to join their families after an adorable program. My little one, only 8 months old at the time, was fast asleep on my chest in the baby carrier. It wasn't long ago that I stood in this very spot at a previous concert, feeling so incredibly alone and very aware that I was the only woman of childbearing age without a child in attendance 

I remember the gut wrenching feeling of those days. After all, there were many days that I put on my brave Auntie face so I could be a part of my nephew's lives knowing the experiences I lovingly shared with them could very well be the closest I ever got to having children of my own. I remember babysitting the boys with my husband and rocking my youngest nephew to sleep in the dark with tears streaming down my face all the while soaking up a small portion of his sweet baby love knowing this could be it! That despite my millions of prayers and pleas for a family, whether biological or not, God may not give me the desire of my heart.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Listen Up: Infertility Isn’t a Choice

My husband and I were newly married and had it all figured out. We would start trying for a family by the time our fifth anniversary rolled around. We would have four children, raise them in a house on a beautiful, one acre property with a white picket fence and a dog.  Maybe we would have a pool too, maybe not. We figured we had some time to decide on that.  We had so much time to figure it all out.  That was fifteen years ago and life hasn't exactly gone according to our plan.  Not even close.

So often, the vision young people have about their future is entirely trouble free. No one plans on anything tragic.  No one hopes for a laundry list of diseases or medical conditions.  No one ever thinks they will struggle to achieve their dreams.  But for one in eight couples, the struggle to start a family is very real. 

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, a campaign to spread the word and reduce the stigma by bringing attention to the details, issues and costs surrounding all ways people can build a family.  When I heard this year's theme was "Listen Up!", it sounded a bit aggressive at first but maybe that's what we need.  

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Our Story Part 16: The Dark Days

These are the days that have haunted me for the last four hundred and ninety five days.  They have stolen peace and sleep, leaving a tremendous heaviness on my heart in their wake.  I have hesitated to share too much and yet I have also grieved the thought of not telling enough.  So much of me wants to forget that these days ever happened and another part of me wants to document them in excruciating detail.  This is the part of my story that is the hardest to write and the part that I so desperately want to capture as accurately as possible in an effort to convey the intensity and depth they deserve.  And yet I simultaneously have avoided this part for a very long time because revisiting these days is such a monumental and gut-wrenching task that requires me to pull the heaviest feelings, thoughts and memories from the place inside that I have attempted to bury them.  But it’s the part of my story that propels me the most to help others and the part that has given me a beautiful future purpose.  Despite all of the trials and challenges that came before it, these are the days that took whatever strength I had left and wrung me out like a wet towel.  God allowed this to drain me of my very last drop of strength so that the only way I could go on was by His strength alone.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Purpose Beyond The Pain

Life forever changed on a cold, blustery day in February 2015.  That morning, I was shocked to discover that my husband and I were expecting our first child after a decade long battle with infertility.  And yet, my son’s conception wouldn’t be the only miracle we saw during our journey to parenthood.  The beginning of my pregnancy was like a dream those first few months but then my elation turned into the fight of our lives.  At 24 weeks, I arrived at the hospital by ambulance where an ER doctor was instrumental in recognizing the signs and symptoms of bilateral pulmonary emboli so my unborn son and I could live.  From then on, our lives were hanging in the balance between life and death by a thread known as blood thinner therapy.  I was considered very high risk thereafter and I was monitored very closely for the duration of my pregnancy.  When I delivered our son that autumn, I felt like I could finally breathe a sigh of relief.  We made it!  All of the challenges to becoming a family were behind us now, or so I thought.   

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Did Someone Say Dairy-Free Sugar Cookie?

I’m constantly on the lookout for dairy and nut free recipes ever since our son was diagnosed with a milk and peanut allergy earlier this year.  Unless he grows out of both, there are so many things he will miss out on (and well, that I have missed out on since I was his only food source until recently).  I miss baked brie and macaroni and cheese like I can’t even tell you!  You just can’t fake cheese!  Thankfully, he doesn't know any better but it still makes me sad he won't ever have the joy of warming up inside to a bowl of tomato soup and grilled cheese after playing in the snow.  But one thing I have learned during this journey is that there are no rules when it comes to baking.  You can still get most of the flavor and consistency while completely omitting things like butter and cream depending on the recipe.  Case in point: it took several tries but I finally found the right combination of ingredients for the perfect sugar cookie that isn’t loaded with 4 lbs. of butter.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

The Tale of Two Survivors

One year ago today, I sat in the car in my sister's driveway in tears.  We had just attended a small group Bible study at a friend's house.  It was my first time out of the house for something other than a doctor’s appointment and I was so incredibly weary.  There really are no words to sufficiently convey the tremendous weight of this type of weariness.  Crushed physically, mentally and in spirit, I was just beginning to pick up the pieces of our life that had been shattered by a catastrophic series of events over the previous six months.

I remember looking at my sister in the dark car while the words just poured out. "There has to be a greater purpose!  There must be someone out there who will go through some sort of hell for the Lord to have brought me through all of this.”  While I knew God was using this trial to build character and perseverance in me, I was also acutely aware that God intended to use it to help someone someday.  I didn’t know when or where.  I envisioned it would be years or even a few decades from now.  What I didn't expect was to learn her name the very next morning.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

There Is Always Something To Be Thankful For

With Thanksgiving coming up, I've been thinking and feeling so much of what we have been through this past year. I know many of you have gone through your own set of challenges and are grieving right along with me about so many aspects of our journeys. But today as I was watching my little one explore his bright, big world, I was struck by the beauty that comes from harsh experiences. I'm finding I have such a deep, rich gratitude for the little things and I'm not taking any of it for granted. You've heard the saying:

"It is not happy people who are thankful.
It is thankful people who are happy."

Monday, November 14, 2016

Our Story Part 15: God Has Given

I always thought I would go into labor with a few names picked out, see our child and in that moment determine what our child's name would be.  That idea got turned on it's head because we had his name in mind a year before I was even pregnant, back when a pregnancy seemed to be an impossibility.  Name meanings were very important to me and I loved the idea of using a strong Biblical name if we had a son.  We both knew we wanted to honor my husband's late grandfather with the middle name since he was a father figure to him.  When I stumbled on a name that meant "God Has Given" and it flowed with our middle name, I knew that it would be a very strong contender!  Because let's be real, the doctors told us we had no chance of a natural pregnancy but God decided otherwise.  God had given us this miracle just like He had given a miracle to Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, Elkanah and Hannah but not only that, He defied modern reproductive medicine too!  Where science had said "Not a chance!" our God had said "YES!".   When I floated the name past my husband, he never considered any other name despite my attempts to field others in case we liked one better.  We were set on our boy's name before I was out of my first trimester and before we knew he was a he!