A journey of hope and healing after a decade of infertility and two maternal near-misses.

Leave Me Alone! I'm Old!

It was just days before that I spoke to her for the last time.  She was convinced that the NYC walk we were participating in would be on the news.  She told me to tie a red balloon to our stroller so she could easily find us when our segment aired on TV.  I didn't have a balloon, but our group wore red shirts that day.  And she was right!  We were featured on the news that weekend and I called to tell her.  I knew she would be excited!  And I knew she would say "I told ya, told ya, told ya!"  I can still hear her voice so clearly.

At the end, she also was getting on me to pick out a sewing machine.  Sewing was her lifelong hobby until her arthritis made threading a bobbin impossible.  She made me clothes growing up, a purple dress that we called my "Liesel" dress because we loved the 'Sound of Music'.  She made flower girl gowns for my sister and me to wear at my uncle's wedding.  She sewed my brother karate pajamas.  She was thrilled to have a granddaughter interested in sewing and wanted to buy my first machine.  Don't worry, Nanny.  I got a Singer just like you suggested and every time I use it, I'll be thinking of you!

She was crazy, spunky, generous, loving, funny, obstinate and a host of other things.  She lived far away but there was never an absence of love.  There was a card in the mail for every holiday and it was likely laced with confetti and the word "Gotcha" written on the back.  She put so much confetti in the cards we learned to shake the envelope before opening it so the contents would settle to the bottom rather than ending up all over the house.  When we tried to get her back with confetti, she was likely to say "Leave me alone; I'm old!" in the humorous way she would say things.  She loved to banter with us and the crazy fits of laughter over the years will be one of the things I miss the most.  There was never any doubt that she loved us.

It's been one month since she went to be with Jesus and I still haven't had the heart to delete the last texting thread from the day before she died.  Even now, as I take pictures of my little one, I so often say to myself "I need to send this to Nanny!" but then I remember and my heart aches.  I could still send them to the unattended iPhone that sits 1000 miles away just so I could see her name on my phone screen but I know I'll never again see any words returned with the rash of unrelated emoticons that followed every single one of her texts and iCloud album comments.  It will just be me and the deafening silence. 

I'm thankful for technology because it brought her so much closer to us.  She got to watch my miracle boy learn and grow with us for 8 months.  I'm thankful she got to meet him even though it was only over the span of a week at Christmas.  I'm thankful she got to love on him and "maul" him like she did to all of her grandchildren growing up.  I'm thankful she got to soak in a moment of his sweet, squishy baby love.  I'm thankful the last time she saw my little family we were happy and on the mend and not struggling to survive.  And most of all, I'm thankful the next time we see each other, it will be in glory.  (1 Thess 4:13-18)


  1. My condolences to all of you! Just reading this xxx
    Mary Ann


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