Clinging to hope in the seasons of suffering and watching God use ALL of it for good.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Our Story Part 5: God Remembered Me

February 3, 2015
I'm feeling so incredibly weary with all of this.  The pregnancy announcement yesterday is weighing so heavily on me.  I just don't know how much more I can take. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a Tuesday morning and I was on dog duty because my husband was on a business trip.  I bundled myself up and out Cody and I went into the blistering cold so he could do his business.  My thoughts kept returning to that doxology dream from early Saturday morning.  I woke up singing!  When have I ever done that?  And what a strange thing to dream about in such vivid detail.  It just kept nagging at me but the conversations with myself were getting old.  We've been married for 13 years.  We've been rendered infertile.  Why would it suddenly happen now?
          
Voice in my head:  You should test today.

Me:  Leave me alone!  The test will be negative like all the others.  

Voice in my head:  But today is Day 35 of your cycle.  

Me:  Dare I test and allow myself to feel an ounce of excitement for nothing?  It will just be negative like all the others before it.  

Voice in my head:  But what if it's not?  

Long Pause.

Me: Well, if I test today I suppose I can put all of these emotionally taxing questions to rest, right?

Voice in my head: Right.

Cody and I meandered back into the warmth of our little home on that February morning.  My husband wasn't home so I figured I could test and get my negative result without his watchful eye or the need to explain the crazy conversation I just had with myself.  Was I finally at the edge of crazy?  I didn’t need to feel like any more of a lunatic than I already did.  I pulled out the pregnancy test box from under our bathroom sink.  There was one left.  It’s just as well.  The madness would be over in a few minutes and then I could discard the box without the constant reminder of all our past negatives popping up whenever I needed a new tube of toothpaste.  I took the test and then started getting ready for work.

A minute or two later, I popped back in the bathroom to read my negative and throw the stupid test away.  I picked up the plastic test stick off the counter and that’s when my eyes bugged out of my head and I did a double take.


Pregnant.

It said pregnant.  Say what?  I thought I might be dreaming again so I pinched myself.  Ouch!  Nope, I’m definitely awake.  Pregnant!  PREGNANT!!?!  It was the word I so longed to see but was so afraid would never come.  I immediately burst into tears, happy tears this time, and started laughing out loud clenching this now precious piece of plastic that I was so sure would be thrown in the trash just moments ago!  I’m sure I looked like a hot mess of heartfelt emotion with tears streaming down my face and puddling on my shirt but I didn’t care.  It was so exciting!  It was so incredibly humbling.

God had heard me.


And not only had he heard me, he saw it fitting to intervene when the odds were stacked so heavily against us.  What man had said “no” to, God had said “yes”!  At that moment, I knew God was smiling down on me.  I could feel it!  He probably was laughing along with me in utter delight himself because my heart was just overflowing with so much joy and thanksgiving!  Thank you, Lord, for this gift!!!  I fell to my knees in shock, still laughing and simultaneously crying.  Indeed, praise God from whom all blessings flow.  The dream that perplexed me just days before was no accident!  Had it been a vision of what was happening right now? 

God remembered Hannah; he remembered me!

I imagined our teeny, tiny baby that was the size of a sesame seed growing and dividing his or her little cells when suddenly I was overcome with worry.  If my ovarian reserve was as low as the doctors said, was this going to be a healthy pregnancy?  Would I wait 13 years for this moment to come and then have it harshly taken away by the word every woman dreads?  Would I hold this precious child in my arms in 35 weeks or would this be another scar I would have to endure?  I begged the Lord to protect this baby!  I cupped my hands in front of my face, as if holding this tiny miracle in my hands, and pleaded with the Lord to put a hedge of protection around him or her.  I prayed that this little one would grow normally and be strong innumerable times during each of the days ahead.  I prayed for a normal, happy, healthy, content baby and an easy labor.  But it never occurred to me that I should be praying so earnestly for a hedge of protection for myself.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Image Credit

Stay tuned for Part 6: An Early Valentine
Missed previous posts?  Click here to catch up!
  
I would love to connect with you. If you liked this post or were encouraged by it, please consider passing it on. Find me on Instagram and Twitter.

6 comments:

  1. I love this story! It's simply beautiful - will bring tears to my eyes everytime. Our God is SO tender, so faithful.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have me crying with this one. God is good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He really is! From beginning to the very end.

      Delete
  3. I have been following your story and my heart just hurts. I am so glad that God has blessed you! I am amazed by your attitude. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, that means a lot. Infertility is a lonely place to be. I just want people to know that when you cling to God, he shows up in such big ways!

      Delete

Comments are moderated so it may take a little while for your comment to show up.